If you are new to our community then you may not know that I am very shy. If I am on-stage, I am fine. But put me in a room with people I don’t know and I am just about paralyzed. My mouth becomes dry. I feel a foot shorter than everyone else (well, usually I am so maybe that is real.)
What is going on? I could go into all the family of origin issues that still trigger me but, as a therapist, you’ve heard them all before. I think the bigger question is what do I do or think when I go into that place? I jump into “judger mode” and my self-talk is all about how silly I am acting – which leads to more withdrawal and more judging. Ugh.
For years I developed coping mechanisms. You’ve heard them too. (I shared them with my readers so they too could cope.) I’d “be the bride” at networking events and make sure everyone was having a good time. I’d be the welcoming committee and again, make sure I connected with everyone in my role. At times I pretended I was my stepmother Barbara who can talk to anyone on the planet.
You know what? It worked. I got to know a lot of people and built a nice business. But it was very hard work – like trying to quit smoking in a cigar bar. White knuckling can be exhausting. I’d attend a workshop and hide in my room for a long time trying to recover.
But what if I could endorse what I consider a weakness instead of judging my shyness so negatively? Not just accept and cope – but actually endorse it like one does with a product or service they love. Could I see it as a positive and wonderful part of me that can lead to wonderful opportunities?
While no means complete, I have begun to do just that. I have asked myself “What has my shyness done for me and for those I want to help, support and serve?”
The answer makes me very happy. My shyness led me to create a wonderful online community with International Therapist Leadership Institute. Otherwise, how would you and I have met? How would we have been able to have the depth of conversation that we do?
My shyness and sharing my story has led me to hear stories of other shy therapists. One of my early practice building tips was to “pretend to be an extrovert.” While possible, it actually encouraged shy therapists to be less than authentic. This was unsettling to me and led to the exploration of the diversity of therapists’ personalities. I discovered that when therapists pursued marketing activities that matched their personality, they were more successful and happier. This led to the development of the Four Marketing Personality Types and the associated marketing activities matrix discussed in my book, Be A Wealthy Therapist.
My shyness is a part of me – a beautiful, precious part that allows me to connect in unique ways that I probably wouldn’t pursue if I were an extrovert. It allows me to find marketing activities that support rather than exhaust other shy therapists. It also helps me to appreciate the diversity in our community. I am extraordinarily grateful for the gift of my shyness.
I expect that I will from time to time switch back into “judger” mode and start to be afraid or worried about my shyness – especially when I enter large rooms of people I do not know. My plan, however, is to come back to my truth as I have shared it here with you. It is in the learning and appreciating that we become whole.
What about you? Can you endorse your weaknesses? Can you notice when you are judging and switch to “learner?” … asking yourself what gifts that a perceived weakness offers you and, in turn, offers the world? It takes some thought and openness and I hope you find your answers too.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts and reading your comments. And if you relate at all to this post, I invite you to click the tweet button or the share button to share it with your Facebook or Twitter colleagues.
Thanks for being along for the ride with me.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
OMG! The anxiety! I’m very introverted by nature, and this marketing is so hard. I loved reading your post and especially the photos.
Thanks Casey, for posting on this personal subject. I can certainly identify with a lot of it, and it is good to hear shyness owned so positively!
Dear Casey,
Our culture currently pathologizes shyness, as does much of the main stream psych. literature. Studies have shown that shyness and extroversion have their roots in genetic endowment, which can be moderated by environmental factors. Being shy myself I have had an interest in this topic. I enjoyed reading “The Highly Sensitive Person” and found it to be empowering for me. I actually prefer shy people, all things being equal. They are often more thoughtful, sensitive, and better listeners. I am old enough to remember shy people being described as “modest”, which was actually considered a virtue and signaled quality of character. Keep up the good work. And Thanks!
–Brian Ura, MFT, ATR-BC.
PS: I agree that “The Introvert Advantage” will cover a lot of this as well since TEMPERAMENTAL introversion (… not the same thing as SOCIAL introversion which is learned rather than innate ) is a central factor in HS.
Casey,
I have been following your adventure with interest ever since you began promoting your book on the PT forums. You have every reason to be proud and I am glad that your shyness didn’t hold you back.
But are you really just “shy”? Have you ever encountered Elaine Aron’s concept of Highly Sensitive People (HSP)?
Is it by any chance the case that you are not just “shy ” but perhaps highly sensitive as well?
HSP’s are responsive to stimuli on all levels of the nervous system from pinpricks and skin conductivity to having lower latent inhibition (LLI) which permits more stimuli from both the outer world of sounds and sensations and the inner world of fantasy, intuition and dreams, to enter conscious awareness.. with the attendant danger of very often becoming overloaded and overwhelmed before others would.
High sensitivity is a double-edged sword which swings on the one side towards creativity (of which you have much) and on the other to frequent over-stimulation (stress and sometimes defensive withdrawal which may become social introversion). I believe that a lot of the introverted intuitive, empathic types who gravitate to the field of therapy are probably actually Highly Sensitive People (Prevalence in the population.. 15-20%)
Just wondering…
Susan
Read my articles on High sensitivity at:
http://ezinearticles.com/?expert_bio=Susan_Meindl
This is a wonderful article! It reminds me so much of the process of “SoulCollage®”, where you create a deck of cards, with each card referring to a part of your SELF. It’s all about acceptance, understanding, and knowing that every part of our being is there for a reason, a lesson…and the more we embrace all the parts, the more we feel fulfilled. For more information about this process, check the website soulcollage.com, or email me at kat4clay at gmail.com! Thanks Casey!
Thankes Casey, you’ve written for me as well. I too have been pround of getting out of my own way to mingle at business fundtions and conferences although this was not my comfort level. I also do public speaking and am fairly direct as well so when I mention to colleagues that I am an introvert they laugh. I am going ot begin a coaching practice and am facing the marketing “gremlins” and trying to find the ways to market that work for me…not drain me. Thanks for a refreshingly honest post.
Several years ago a book entitled “The Introvert Advantage” by Marti Laney, a therapist, happened my way. It and her other two books have been of enormous value to folks who manage energy “inside the self” rather than “outside the self”. And, no, I have never even met Marti even though I do reccomend her bood often.
One client, in particular began her sessions over three weeks in happy tears – “There was never anything wrong with me!”. She rates the book in the top three positive influences in her life to date.
In a culture that focuses on life “outside the self” it is a major validation to hear that life “inside the self” is equally worthwhile.
While there’s no denying the wonderful outcome of Casey’s shyness I can’t help wondering how she deals with clients who present their own issues that they want to change.
Do you say to the social phobic “Hey, it can be a good thing you’re terrified of public speaking because a lot of good can come from that. Let me tell you about my problem which is just about as opposite to yours as can be . . . .” ?
Yet basically I can see you’re right. Family members consider my bluntness and honest speech as not always a strength — yet such a “weakness” endears itself to clients because they soon learn that I am direct and plain-speaking. Therefore, they can trust what I tell them.
So…thanks Casey for the enlightenment.
Thanks for this post, Casey.
It brings to mind a quote by Pema Chödrön from her book, The Wisdom of No Escape:
“Our wisdom is all mixed up with what we call our neurosis. Our brilliance, our juiciness, our spiciness, is all mixed up with our craziness and our confusion, and therefore it doesn’t do any good to try to get rid of our so-called negative aspects, because in that process we also get rid of our basic wonderfulness.”
Perhaps there is no real difference between what we call our weaknesses and our strengths. It’s all part of the wonderfulness of who we are.
Thanks for the reminder that what we have to offer comes from who we truly are rather than by perfecting some version of who (and how) we think we should be.
Thank you Casey. You’ve presented a pragmatic argument to why we might treasure, vs. cover/avoid or just accept, that which we fear or judge ourselves over. The energy of love and honesty can only uncouple us from superfluous anxiety, even if our so-called weaknesses lead to mistakes or temporarily miss goals.
Thanks so much for this article. I have always felt that if I wanted more genuineness from others in my life, I needed to start with myself. Learning how to be kind and accommodating to ourselves makes it easier to take that attitude with others, who in turn receive more encouragement to be genuine and kind. Thank you!
I appreciated reading this. It reminded me of an earlier post in which you talked about the difficulties we often have in marketing ourselves. I’ve always thought of “sales people” as doing or saying almost anything to make a sale, that there was something smarmy about marketing, or at the very least, unpalatable, and I was really uncomfortable with the idea in my practice. That was a weakness but in thinking about marketing as a way of making a connection with a person, I’ve been able to improve my advertising and the ideas keep coming!! Reminding myself of that connection really helps.